Friday, January 7, 2011

Diary of a Loser

I found these excerpts from a journal I kept of my weight loss.  I found some of them most revealing.  I remember those two years fondly; it felt very special to be working towards something concrete.  Here are some thoughts from my first few weeks:

Week One:  "Lost five pounds.  Mostly water weight, I suppose, but still....  not bad for the first week.  I think I like this.  I can do this."

Week two:  "Life is taking me by the ears and giving me a good shake these days. 
Lost another 5.8 pounds this week.  Unbelievable."

A few weeks later: " Inch by inch, step by step, slowly I turned...Niagara Falls?!? "  Remember that old vaudeville routine?  No one's old enough to remember the real thing but Lucille Ball did it on one of the "I Love Lucy" shows.  It was supposed to be a gag about a guy who goes nuts when he hears anyone say 'Niagara Falls' because it was where he found his wife cheating on him.

For me it's the step by step, inch by inch thing that is proving so relevant right now because I am losing weight so slowly.  After last week I should be grateful not to have gained anything.  I lost .8 of a pound, which in reality means .2 since I gained .6 last week.  I've really been careful this week too, so I guess I dodged that bullet."

On Weight loss slowing down: "I treated myself to a very small bunch of flowers this morning after our meeting to celebrate a very small weight loss.  Better than nothing, I figured.  I googled the flower species when I got home because I didn't know what they were.  I googled 'small pink flower' and what came up among other things, was a song lyric that said "Small flowers crack concrete".  How appropriate!  Guess I'll crack this weight thing eventually."

On self-discovery and self-knowledge:   I lost another .2 pounds but after all the beers I've tossed back this week thanks to the bad bad bad bad day I count myself very lucky indeed.  Here's what I've learned (like I didn't know already!) about medicating with alcohol.  It makes me maudlin and weepy and then I can't sleep.  Not quite the way to feel better.  I'm just so glad I didn't gain any weight. 

On changes noticed:  Here's what else I've noticed.  When I bent over to pick up a paper clip off the floor this week at work the blood didn't rush to my head, and when I squatted down to put something away in a low-to-the-ground cubby I could actually squat.  Yesterday I was able to put on and wear the amethyst ring Higgie bought me for our first wedding anniversary.

I went out for dinner last night with my cousin who is visiting from England.  I ordered a salad to start, not thinking about how it would be dressed and it was covered in it.  I ate half of it.  Likewise the pasta, which was overcooked anyway.  I had mainly ordered it for the seafood on top which I did eat.  I had one glass of wine.  The old me would have eaten every scrap of that meal and wiped the bowl clean of the cream sauce (which I thought was too heavy, although I used to love it) with a slice of heavily buttered bread and washed the whole thing down with three glasses of wine.

I think I've made a lot of positive changes even if the scales aren't reflecting it.  Who cares about a number anyway?

On patterns of weight loss and plateaux:  I'm starting to see a pattern here: I lose a bunch, then gain a bit, hold still, lose a tiny bit for a few weeks and then Bam! it comes off again.  No need to be discouraged; it will happen when it happens. "

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